Longing for Grace

I sit here tonight, and I can almost not take it anymore.  I see broken everywhere.  I see innocence that, because of the horrible evil and darkness in the world, will most assuredly be broken someday.  My heart aches for this to change.  I smile, but I feel the pain.  Pain that will and has come.  I think of my week to come, that in ten days I will have to do one of the hardest things in my life.  That it will only be through the grace of Jesus pouring out that I might be able to share His glory in even a small way, should I come back to this place.  And even if His grace isn’t given through people, His grace straight from the throne, will be enough.  All my selfish prayers will fade away that day; broken, cracked and bleeding, I’ll bend to His will.  Whatever Abba wants; I give it up.  Should He wish to give me the worst thing I could imagine, by His grace I will accept it.  Should He wish to instead bless me by shocking me through love poured out, I will accept it.  Either way, from the rooftops I will proclaim His name.  His glory.  His grace.  His love.  I am redeemed.  I get that now.  I am R.E.D.E.E.M.E.D.  No matter what I’ve done, God is for me.  I am His daughter, sung over and treasured.  There were and still are, at times, moments when the anger seeps in and I cry out that life is unfair.  But, maybe in all of life’s unfairness, He’ll be able to reach more people through a story unjust in so many ways.  Yet, I can’t help but think that that same story is so abounding in grace, in ways that I don’t even know yet.  And how it breaks me apart that even in the small amount that I do know about my Savior, I still don’t trust His heart fully.  And at this moment, I feel His love flow.  As I write, the song Sweetly Broken comes on.  And the chorus hits me:

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

Wow.  To be like that.  So lost in Love that surrender is sweet.  

Why is that the pain we hate so much becomes our security?

Why are we scared to let it go?

It might be breaking, it might mean bleeding.

But His grace is sufficient.