Skip to main content


I'm Not Ready

Recent posts

Mommy Guilt/Shame and the Need for Grace

I nannied for roughly 10 years, but all of that barely prepares you for the first two months of your own child's life. It barely scratches the surface of what all you can face.

Motherhood felt like it truly started in the second half of the second trimester, when suddenly I started getting incredibly itchy. I eventually spoke with my doctor about it, only to find out that what was causing the itchiness put a slight risk on my baby being a stillborn. The proposed plan was induction no earlier than 37 weeks, yet not waiting too much longer than that. Thirty-seven and a half weeks came, and the little munchkin arrived. *Cue hormone overload.* And then. In my hormone induced stupor, I heard them say that he had a small heart murmur, and we would need to get it checked out. My ears heard "small" but my heart heard, "he's not going to make it to the end of his first month." In my mind, he was similar to the plants I struggle to keep alive. So began a batch of emo…

A Letter to 16 year-old Me

If I could write a letter to me at 16, this is what I would tell myself.

Dear 16-year old me,

Life is hard, yes? High school may not be your favorite thing, but just wait, you'll want to go back to those easy days when you're older. At 17, you'll try to make plans to go to school to be a massage therapist; your dad will discourage you. You'll begrudgingly listen and be glad you did...later. This year you're already in the middle of a slew of bad choices...breathe...there will be pain. Lots of it. But, you'll find out you have mentors and friends who will walk beside you and love the deepest aches that you hold inside. People will tell you not to wish this time away...listen to them; adult-life is fun. But. It holds its own set of issues. And, those pains and frustrations you're walking through right now? In 10 years, you'll look back and laugh at what had you worried or frustrated. But for now, those fears and worries and pains? They are real, and they …

One Year Down--An Eternity to Go

I can't believe it has been a whole year already. If someone would have told me two years ago that I would be married for a year now, I would have told them they were crazy. I had my plans; I was quite over sitting around and waiting. Deciding to utilize four years to the best of my ability, I was in the process of making plans to move. But. A wedding in Colorado changed those plans. I was in the bridal party; and during the reception, I noticed this groomsman across the table. (pretty sure he winked me at one point, even though he says he did not). I was impressed by his intelligence and ability to have good conversation, but I adamantly told myself that this was not in my plans. As people were leaving the reception, I had managed to get into another conversation with him. Until that night, I had never believed that you could have a moment with someone that connected you to someone the way we did that night. I left frustrated because he was not on my agenda, but I wondered if I …