Those moments when that deep insecurity creeps in and you wonder where you confidence bounded off to. Funny how easy it is to forget how loved we are.
I've begun to realize just how easy it is for me to have idols.
Whether it is a possession, people's affirmation, bitterness, anger, my love of food.
If it takes the place of Jesus, it is an idol.
That may sound harsh. But, it is the truth.
And the crazy thing is, when I have idols, in my head I know they'll let me down.
So, I sit around patiently loving them, hoping they won't let me down.
I put my faith in them, adoring the temporary they bring.
Suddenly, my feet are swept out from under me and I hit my heart on a sharp corner of their betrayal.
I am shocked that they let me down.
I gently pick myself up, eager to see if I can find a way around this hurt.
I decide the idol is worth trying again, seemingly forgetting the pain it caused me.
Yet, a seed is planted, some seed of doubt in what I have place my faith in.
My doubt creates insecurity--in myself, in things, in people.
But, still I try to justify my need of these idols.
Things start to spin out of control, and I ask God to help me manage my idols.
I wonder what He thinks of that, me asking Him to help me organize the things that take away His place as first in my life.
Life continues to spiral into a numbing swirl of madness for which I have no method anymore.
I walk around, quietly shushing the nervous fool within me.
Telling myself not to let anyone see that maybe I'm not ok, we all want comfortable anyway, right?
No one wants to see messy.
But, what we forget is those broken pieces we all try to hide, to tape together, can be rearranged, moved around, remastered, to create a beautiful mosaic.
For who of us truly has it all together? We would be remiss in saying that we did.
There is only One who can truly re-master, and redeem our hearts.
And to tell you the truth, I'm tired of asking "what if?" "What if we opened our hearts?" "What if we did this?" "What if we did that?"
These seemingly endless "what if" questions have not gotten me anywhere.
They are good questions, but if there is no heart change and action proceeding from that change, there is no point in asking the question.
So, I WILL seek.
There is no "what would it look like if I would seek Him and His face?"
No. I will seek. I will run after Jesus like He is the only thing that can save me, that can bring joy to my heart. Because He is the only thing. The only One who can save.