I’ve been sitting here quiet, in my chair from my favorite place in the world right now. Colorado. Such blessed and painful memories. But, enough about that, for now let me tell you about the quiet and my Christmas. There has been much fear and depression clawing at my heart. I can literally in my spirit feel the battle of Satan trying to steal my joy and rest. I won’t lie to you; I have doubted God. Me, the daughter who has seen His glory, yet daily seems to forget some of the most monumental moments of His grace. I doubted. I, the once seemingly strong warrior daughter, have lost, or forgotten some of my deepest dreams. Or should I say, more rather lost my passion for my dreams. So here I sit, quiet. Listening to Philips, Craig, and Dean sing their praise to Jesus. How I long to know my Jesus again, better, more fully. I want to be so full of abundant life. Full of graciousness. Yet, so often my heart is hard toward the very people I long to care for. Ironic? Yes. This is what I long for Jesus to break me free from. I wish some days He would just shatter the walls and make me brilliantly loving, like Him. It’s funny though, I have to play my part as well. I say I love Him? That’s wonderful, but when my life is filled with everything but Him, there is very little room for Him to work. It is so easy for me to get lost in a movie, in tv shows, in good books even. He longs to have my full heart. I long to know His heart. So, here I sit.
I’m sure there will be days when very little of what I have written makes sense, but I’m finding that that is perfectly ok. God knows what I’m writing, and He understands what I write even better than I do. I have a large thing on my heart today; so my prayer is that what I write here will only bless and encourage. I pray that the words I write bring only God-filled life to people, and that if there is anything that is not of God in what I have written, that God will protect anyone reading this from anything that is not of Him.
I got to cry again last night. I got so tired of the depression and fear clawing me deep. I got so tired of feeling lonely. I got so tired of the drowning. And, last night, He gave me rest. But, I have to tell you; I woke up with it again this morning. The deep, aching, lonely, tearing grasp of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of man, ravishing dark fear. Did I pray wrong yesterday? No. But it shows me the reality of the spiritual battle. “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12). That spirit of accusation I sometimes feel? From that person I love or someone in authority over me? Oh, how wonderful that I’m not fighting against flesh and blood! That spirit of anger, of depression, or lonely. Those are not of God. You see that it said, “against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil”? Satan has authority in this world, and he’s trying to tear every relationship, everything that is good, all my joy, away from me. He fights to make me doubt, to make me refute God. But, my God, the Creator, the Mighty Warrior, Alpha and Omega? He already WON. This is truth. My head knows this, yet my heart quakes for fear that I don’t quite get it. But, you see that theme? The fear? That fear is not of God. For perfect love casts out fear. How I long to rest in that perfect love. Many days I wish there were simply some kind of quick fix that would make me understand right away. I see this as an outcome of our society today, the instant gratification factor. God is not instant rice. Never was, never will be. He is so good, so vastly pure and truthful, so forever loving. None of us, as humans would be able to take it all in if He showed us completely who He is in one moment. I don’t think we could humanly handle His glory. There is no quick fix in Jesus. This walk with Him, is lifelong. It is painful, but blessing filled. So, the thought on my mind today, with everything that I’ve been fighting is this. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the Strength of His Might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. THEREFORE, take up the WHOLE armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In ALL circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for ALL the saints.” (Ephesians 6:10-18).
Claiming this today as a Daughter of the Only King!