Skip to main content

Abba Unending

Tears flow freely as the new struggle begins.  Every waking breath taken means one more step toward freedom.  Moments of questioning fill days of learning trust; aching pain flows, yet the feeling of being carried abounds.  Grace flows new; desperation seeks more.  Longing breaks a heart once cold; prayers flow down a face seeking His.  Unending fears fight for courage to lose, to break down and fall.  Yet, for some reason He’s still there.  Still listening to her endless prayers to be heard, still listening as she cries angry, sings happy, pleads guilty.  Messy seems to be her life story; but redemption is His story for her.  How He sings over her, redeeming love, faithful love, unending love; but she whispers, tears streaming, “Oh, how can it be?  Why me?”  She fights to understand His love; fights to understand what He did for her.  Moments oppress; courage fights.  Fear tries to tear her down, but she finds herself begin to be willing to do the hard things.  Whatever it takes.  She’s done.  No more.  No more of this surviving and simply making it through.  No more going her own way.  No more letting go of His hand.  No more.  Now she’ll wait.  She’ll become His.  Because He sings, “You’re my beloved.  Love of my life, look deep in my eyes there you will find what you need.  I'm the giver of life.  I'll clothe you in white.  My immaculate bride you will be.  Oh, come running home to me.” 
O my Strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love.
                                                                    -Psalm 59:17


Popular posts from this blog

One Year Down--An Eternity to Go

I can't believe it has been a whole year already. If someone would have told me two years ago that I would be married for a year now, I would have told them they were crazy. I had my plans; I was quite over sitting around and waiting. Deciding to utilize four years to the best of my ability, I was in the process of making plans to move. But. A wedding in Colorado changed those plans. I was in the bridal party; and during the reception, I noticed this groomsman across the table. (pretty sure he winked me at one point, even though he says he did not). I was impressed by his intelligence and ability to have good conversation, but I adamantly told myself that this was not in my plans. As people were leaving the reception, I had managed to get into another conversation with him. Until that night, I had never believed that you could have a moment with someone that connected you to someone the way we did that night. I left frustrated because he was not on my agenda, but I wondered if I …

Mommy Guilt/Shame and the Need for Grace

I nannied for roughly 10 years, but all of that barely prepares you for the first two months of your own child's life. It barely scratches the surface of what all you can face.

Motherhood felt like it truly started in the second half of the second trimester, when suddenly I started getting incredibly itchy. I eventually spoke with my doctor about it, only to find out that what was causing the itchiness put a slight risk on my baby being a stillborn. The proposed plan was induction no earlier than 37 weeks, yet not waiting too much longer than that. Thirty-seven and a half weeks came, and the little munchkin arrived. *Cue hormone overload.* And then. In my hormone induced stupor, I heard them say that he had a small heart murmur, and we would need to get it checked out. My ears heard "small" but my heart heard, "he's not going to make it to the end of his first month." In my mind, he was similar to the plants I struggle to keep alive. So began a batch of emo…