I looked into the eyes of innocence tonight. I looked and as I explained and said "goodbye for now," I watched her heart build walls again. I watched pain then uncertainty flash through those eyes. My heart shattered, because I knew, her pain, was caused my ungrateful heart. As I drove home, I pondered the "what ifs". What if I...what if I...what if I?
Truth gently whispered, "Don't 'what if'. You stepped back, you recognized, you confessed, broken, you spoke, you got back up again. You went to the cross, you left it there. Breathe. Just breathe in grace. Breathe in that you are treasured in spite of the things you see as failure. Lift your hands, say "thank you". Thank you for the brokenness that you pleaded for, thank you for grace, thank you for each moment that brought you to this grace-filled place. Thank you for His rest and peace that you feel at this moment."
So, I sat back and wondered. What if? What if I stopped saying the what ifs for my regrets? What if each time a piece shattered in my life or each time I made a mistake, or if I was asked to let go of dreams...what if I simply whispered my broken, "hallelujah and thank you, Daddy."
The crazy thing is, He never asked me to be perfect, but to strive for perfection in Him. Yet, I betray my heart by believing the lies that I can never be enough. He only asked me to come to Him, just the way I am. Not perfect, not always getting it, but just broken, willing before Him. And, the amazing thing? I have not found one other place that gives true rest but Him. True rest, rest that isn't always that rainbow land filled with ease and comfort that some people think should be Christianity, but a rest that gives such a settled, at peace feeling even in the middle of bombs dropping all around me. Ahhh, grace...so...what if?
What if we gave up our rights, our entitlements, what we think we deserve? But simply said, "thank you."
Grateful thanks for the crazy long traffic that made you late. Tearful thanks for things lost because it cleared a path to His perspective. Longing thanks for His asking you to give up your dreams, so He could work even more. Smile-filled thanks at new life breathing young. Unending thanks for those sunrises and sunsets, reminding of His beauty and glory. Shivering thanks for those cold piles of snow, each flake uniquely different.
We miss so much because we don't notice. Life got too busy. So, what if we thanked Him for the painful, earth-shattering things as much as we did the beautiful, puzzle pieces put in place?