Fighting the Good Fight

I doubted today.
I doubted yesterday.
Doubted the past few weeks, really.
I didn't truly realize it until yesterday and today.
But I doubted.
Doubted that Jesus was listening.
Doubted that He heard my prayers.
There was even that small twinge of fear that wondered if maybe He wasn't even real. Wasn't there.
Angry and fearful tears and thoughts.
Forgetting that His perfect love cast out fear.
Forgetting that His perfect love isn't always comfortable.
Broken-hearted reactions.
Forgetting to be at His feet.
I kept wondering where His presence was.
Kept wondering where the feeling of His love was.
Kept wondering.  Because I knew way deep down.
Way deep down.  That I fully believed in Him.
And slowly, wise words started seeping into my soul....
The message was simple.

This journey isn't just a feeling.  Or about feeling. 
He is always there, He always cares.  He asks for our faith.
He ask us to trust His heart.
Trusting His heart is looking at the cross and accepting it.
Accepting that He saw all our dirt and tatters and pain.
In His perfection, He saw, and chose to die anyway.
Accepting that He died.  For me.  For you.
Because He loved us and wants to tell His story
And shine His glory through us.

On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"
-John 7:37, 38

Unworthy human, I fight this, because why would He WANT to give me this.
Redeemed Daughter, I crave this faith.
Longing for the rivers of living water.
Longing for those feelings, yet resting in His realness, and faithfulness, and nearness.


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